I went to my first milonga. Let’s talk about it.

I’ve always wanted to learn Argentine tango.

It’s such a beautiful, sensuous dance with elegant footwork and gorgeous music. What’s not to like?

I took my first tango lesson with a friend in NYC this weekend and had a lot of fun. So I decided to go to the milonga at Solas on Sunday to try my hand at social dancing.

After a few dances with my friend to warm up, I wanted to try asking someone I didn’t know. My friend introduced me to someone whom he knew was an advanced lead, and told him that I was a well-known zouk instructor, but that it was my first time dancing tango. I was already nervous. No matter your level of experience in other dances, it’s scary to be a beginner again.

When introductions were done and I invited this person to dance, he hesitated, looked around, then sighed and said “Why not.” During the first song, he stopped me almost every two steps to teach me on the dance floor. He’d say “no, don’t do that” whenever I misstepped. I was feeling my anxiety rise rapidly, and after the first song he informed me that he was “stuck with me for four songs” (yes, that’s an exact quote), and then tried to tell me he didn’t mean it “that way” and that he just wanted to tell me it was customary to dance 4 songs at a milonga (which I already knew, but he assumed I didn’t). And when I told him “If you want to end before that I won’t mind,” he reiterated how rude and not acceptable it is to leave during the tanda — not making room for any exceptions.

I stayed for the rest of the tanda. Call it a freeze response or whatever you like— I was debating with myself the whole time whether to end the dances or not. However, when I wasn’t marveling at his audacity, I was also taking mental notes on the things he was “teaching” me because some of it was clearly legit, even if his delivery was asinine and rude as fuck.

At the end of the tanda he informed me that he’s “probably one of the most technical tango dancers in New York.” It’s still up for debate whether this was him excusing his teaching me on the dance floor or trying to make sure I understood his credentials.

After going to the bathroom to cry some angry tears, I went back onto the floor. My friend felt very bad that I’d had this experience since he’d danced with the guy with no problems before. Not his fault — It seems this particular behavior is reserved for those the man deems as inferior.

I got my courage up to ask another lead to dance. I went for one guy who seemed like he was advanced but was leading simpler movements. This lead was so nice. He only offered advice between songs, assured me I was doing well, and when I said “thank you” after our second dance (reflex, whoops) he gently let me know that saying thank you sometimes signifies that you don’t want to dance anymore, so typically you don’t say it till after the fourth song. The difference between him and the other lead, however, was that he specified that if one isn’t having a good time or your partner is being inappropriate, you’re free to leave at any time.

Which makes sense, since consent is ongoing and revokable regardless of cultural expectations. A concept which some people clearly struggle to wrap their heads around.

After this second more enjoyable tanda, I danced again with my friend. Honestly, these dances were the only reason why I didn’t leave earlier. My friend has been dancing tango for over 20 years, yet he makes you feel as though you’re a great dancer because he’s very patient and adjusts for the follow (which I believe is the mark of a truly advanced dancer).

If I’d been a total beginner who didn’t know anyone there, I’d have wanted to leave after that first dance. As someone who is an advanced dancer in multiple styles, I still wanted to fucking leave. But I didn’t want to give up so easily.

I wasn’t invited to dance for the two hours I’d been at the social so far, not counting my dances with my friend. And before you say anything, yes I was wearing appropriate clothing and makeup. No, I wasn’t busting out zouk moves in the middle of the floor.

My only crime, it seemed, was being a beginner.

And by the way, there didn’t seem to be any other beginners at this milonga.

So, I bolstered my courage and asked one more lead, a guy who I’d observed for a couple of tandas who seemed very skilled. I tap him on the shoulder and invite him to dance. He — no joke — looks me up and down slowly, and then says, “Uh, we’ll see.” I say “Okay, uh, thanks.” And go and sit by the wall, and as soon as the music starts again he walks right past me and goes and invites an advanced follow.

In case you’re confused by that interaction, let me clue you in. That’s what people do when they’re deciding you’re too fat to be a good dancer.

More frustrated tears in the bathroom. My friend danced with me again before I left, so at least I felt the night ended on a good note.

By the way, there were no — not one — plus sized dancers at this milonga, either. Big surprise.

As a teacher and a community builder, this kind of behavior and culture makes me see red.

And this isn’t the first time I’ve heard this particular brand of experience from people who are trying to enter the tango scene. The coldness, the lack of inclusivity, the unfriendliness to beginners — and to have it come from people who are experienced and advanced dancers? Were you not beginners, once? Maybe it’s one of those “people made me miserable so now it’s my turn” dynamics. Whatever it is, it’s unacceptable.

Letting alone the fact that it turns people off of social dancing and is traumatizing to experience, it’s just plain bad human behavior.

At our zouk socials in DC, our community leader Ashley makes an announcement both at the beginning and in the middle of the social, encouraging everyone to dance with folks they don’t know and ask those who are sitting down to dance.

At the milonga, they paused the music at one point to announce that they were going to finish later than usual. And that was it. I sat there thinking how just a simple comment about inclusivity can make a big difference in making a scene feel welcoming, and how much I missed it when it wasn’t there.

I plan to continue learning and dancing tango because I still think it’s a beautiful dance. But my experience at my first milonga was, overall, ugly.

I’m painfully aware of just how easy it would be to give up, had I not already gone through this experience in every dance style I’ve ever learned. I have to say though, tango has been the worst yet.

I have no pithy resolving comment, or hopeful note to end on. I’m leaving it on this mood because that’s how I still currently feel — frustrated and angry, with a bad taste in my mouth.

If you’re a community leader, it’s your responsibility to lead by example and create an inclusive environment. If you’re an advanced dancer, yes, you are obligated by social contract to be welcoming and inclusive as well. No one is saying you have to spend your entire night dancing with beginners, but maybe don’t be a fat-phobic, arrogant jerk while you’re at it.

See you on the dance floor,

Elena “the Rhinestone”

EDIT: Thank you for all of the kind comments from folks over the last few days as my article has been shared more and more. It’s both bracing and sad to see how many of you have had the same experiences I have.

For those of you who insist tango isn’t the problem, I want to point out some of the comments I’ve gotten. These are direct quotes.

“Why do we insist on this ‘all-inclusive’ thingy in tango? Tango isn’t for everyone”

“Tango is fine, we don’t need more dancers, we need better dancers”

“I’m pretty sure nobody rejected you based on your body size or looks. It was mainly about your level of dance in tango.”

People saying how beginners shouldn’t go to milongas because it’s inconvenient to dance with them/around them. People saying how I shouldn’t have broken cabaceo and invited leads to dance, even if that means I sit out the entire social and never get asked. If a style of dance is so unfriendly that you can’t even go to the socials unless you’re advanced, that’s a serious problem.

It seems like a lot of people in the tango scene really embrace the elitist/exclusive reputation and want to keep it that way. This is really sad to see. People are completely comfortable saying things like “you can pick another dance instead of bitching” or “tango takes time and discipline to learn, not like other Latin dances that are fun and silly.” (These quotes are paraphrased, but I have screenshots.)

For the rest of you, I see you, and I hope we all continue dancing and enjoying ourselves whether we are “good enough” or not.