Meant for More
tw: eating disorders, body image
When I started writing blogs three years ago, not everyone was excited for me. A lot of people cautioned me to keep my struggles private, to not share too much. And though looking back on those early blogs is sometimes painful (or cringey), I’m really glad I took that first step and haven’t stopped since.
Vulnerability is so satisfying to me. I can’t get enough of it. It’s both terrifying and thrilling. I help other people who are going through problems, spread awareness to those who want to educate themselves, and best of all, I’m able to liberate myself by shining a light onto thoughts that otherwise would stay dark, private, and shameful. Lately I find myself increasingly inclined to share.
After my last blog, I was on Cloud 9.
The reception was overwhelmingly positive. I saw a lot of friends make their own vulnerable posts about body image and eating disorders, and I was feeling inspired and resilient. I was at almost three weeks without bingeing, the longest I’ve ever gone. I was dancing and working out at least every other day. And then I just woke up one morning feeling anxious, binged at breakfast, and the landslide began.
I binged every day for two weeks. I stopped dancing and moving. I gained back all the weight I had lost and then some. One binge snowballs into several because I associate my binges with failure. If I slip up, it’s hard to brush it off and have a good day afterwards because it represents yet another step back in a long, painful journey that I never chose to experience. On top of this, I somehow felt like a fraud, having just written something that inspired so many people and talked about all the positive changes I’d made.
But despite that imposter syndrome, my mental progress that I made hasn’t been lost. I am experiencing pure, unadulterated self-hatred at a magnitude that I haven’t felt in a very long time. But instead of deflecting those thoughts, I decided to sit with them… To spell them out, dissect them, and face them down.
I make negative comparisons to everyone around me. Even when I see body positive activists proudly showing off their flaws on social media… I pick out some flaw of mine that they don’t have to confirm that my body is not acceptable and not worthy of love or admiration. Over the years, every time I watch my body change in ways that I don’t want it to, I feel unattractive. Disgusting.
I have long stretch marks on my hips and now on my stomach. My breasts got bigger and heavier, so they sag. The skin on my thighs and arms is loose. And I’ve seen enough before-and-after weight loss stories to know that in a lot of instances, these marks stick around after you lose fat. One of my biggest fears and insecurities is knowing that even after I accomplish my weight loss goals, my body will still bear the scars of what I went through.
I spent a long time contemplating this, and contemplating ways that I could accept it, until it dawned on me that my body is already marked. I have eleven scars on my left knee from two surgeries, but… I’m proud of those scars. They’re proof of a battle that I fought and won. Hell, I’ve permanently inked my body to commemorate other challenges I’ve overcome. So why not view stretch marks, saggy boobs, and loose skin the same way?
I’ve mentioned being bullied and shamed over my body in the past. But the people saying those things were shaped by something else… the fact that bodies with fat on them are still stigmatized like crazy in our society.
It’s an unfortunate fact that with as much momentum as the body positivity movement has made over the last few years, there is still a staggering amount of negative marketing and language being used in the fitness industry. What makes it worse is that it’s the same bullshit about being “skinnier,” but now it’s wrapped up in a cloak of being “fit.”
Tons of fitness magazines have headlines like “How to Live Slim in a Fat World.” “Hot & Happy.” “Lose Inches.” Seriously, Google “fitness magazine covers.” You’ll see these and many more. It’s still not really about being fit. If it was, these covers would just be talking about increasing the number of pushup reps you can do… instead of the end goal being “slimmer” or more “toned.”
Fat = Bad. Every ounce of fat must leave your body. If you can’t see your abs, they don’t exist. You won’t have a “summer body.” (A “summer body” is a term that means it’s not okay to wear swimsuits unless you’re skinner than you were in winter. If you’re not, you should just…hide? Go fuck yourself? I don’t know.) God, it makes me so angry.
We have become so used to it! When we greet friends we haven’t seen in a while, we tell them, “You look amazing!” Followed immediately by, “Did you lose weight?” Or if we don’t ask, we think it. But did they not look amazing before they lost weight? Why is that a factor in their attractiveness? Look at Adele. She lost weight and suddenly there were headlines like “Adele Shows Off New Stunning Weight Loss.”
Especially since the pandemic started, I noticed a major influx of new ads about diet and home workout programs, each implying that you were unhappy with your body in some way, and that’s why you needed to buy that program. “Don’t gain the quarantine 15!” as if that’s possibly the worst thing that can happen during a collective traumatic crisis. (Insert eyeroll here).
And then when you struggle to lose weight, you get shamed for it! Motivational fitness experts saying things like “The only thing holding you back is your determination!” Comedians like Ricky Gervais say “You just like to eat, it’s not a ‘health issue.’” For years I have heard my bingeing and weight addressed (by others AND myself) as, “you’re just a stress eater” “it’s easy to fix with this new diet” “lack of discipline,” “gross,” “silly,” and a billion other derogatory and dismissive descriptions.
Talk about kicking someone when they’re down.
And before you say it — no, I’m not advocating for us all to give up and become morbidly obese and eat burgers and fries for every meal. I know there are reasons for losing weight. My point is that the mainstream fitness industry is centered on creating/playing off of your insecurities to sell you shit.
It’s not “romantic” or “admirable” to try and lose weight. It’s something you’re expected to do to fit into society and be accepted by others. Sure, there is still a fair amount of stigma with mental health, but honestly I felt less shame dealing with that than being a fat person with an eating problem.
My very first tattoo was an “akf” on my left wrist. It stands for Always Keep Fighting (a mental health campaign by the amazing Jared Padalecki), and back when I was first struggling with depression and anxiety, I would look at it to bolster my courage. I’ve always associated it with that, but I see now that I should have been applying it to everything.
One positive attribute that I truly believe about myself is my ability to accomplish or conquer anything I set my mind to. And I know that this is no different. I have to keep fighting.
Not fighting to lose weight, but… Fighting to have empathy for myself and validate what I’m going through. Fighting to appreciate my body, and to see myself as more than my body. Fighting to acknowledge that having fat on my body doesn’t cancel out the amazing things it can do.
A few changes I made to help me in this fight…
I quit Noom. I admit it… I was sad about this. I still really like how it’s focused on education and living a lifestyle built off moderation and mindfulness rather than deprivation and dieting. I did learn some really cool psychology tips and mythbusters about foods and what’s healthy.
But I had tried it for six months and eventually, after some discussion with my therapist, I decided to take a break. With an eating disorder, a program where I weighed myself every day and counted calories wasn’t the right fit.
Everyone is different, and something that works for someone else might not work for you, or vice versa. If something doesn’t work, you have to tell yourself that it wasn’t the right fit — not that you failed because YOU didn’t fit IT. Personally, I know that my successes with weight loss have been when I wasn’t focused on losing weight, so I’m refocusing on self-care.
Secondly, since it’s not my body that I need to modify as much as my mindset, I decided to expose myself (literally, lol) to my fears. Specifically, the ones dealing with feelings of unattractiveness and unworthiness related to weight.
If I catch myself debating posting a photo because I think I looked fat in it, I have to post it anyways. If I don’t want to wear something because I feel fat that day, I make myself wear it anyways. What this does is show me that my world isn’t going to go crashing down if people realize just how much body fat I have — gasp — and forces me to accept that some people may find me unattractive or unfollow me… which again, doesn’t mean the end of the world. And I try to self-affirm as much as possible. It helps to schedule it so that it happens regularly, so I tell myself each time I change clothes.
I still want to lose weight. But I want to make damn sure I’m doing it for the right reasons.
I don’t want to lose weight because I’m subconsciously afraid of being rejected if I’m fat. I am so fucking tired of comparing myself to everyone and feeling ashamed of having a body that goes through changes.
I want to lose weight because I have more energy and my joints don’t hurt as much when I do, because I don’t want to put myself at risk for familial disease like diabetes or heart disease, or simply because it’s another challenge that I am going to tackle, and crush. Another opportunity to be strong.
My #1 purpose in life is not to look a certain way, or be a certain shape. I am meant for more than that.
Life is change. My body will change when I get old, if I have children… it’s inevitable, and I refuse to become so hyper focused on one particular shape that I miss out on living. Where I don’t go to the beach because I’m afraid of being seen. Where I hide in photos because I feel fat next to everyone else. Where I miss a chance to be with someone amazing because I’m too busy being self-conscious. I don’t want to spend another minute hating myself because I don’t fit into society’s idea of what “fit” looks like.
I was struggling to write some kind of inspirational ending, because honestly I’m still just hanging on mentally these days. I want to be transparent and make it clear that I’m still working on it, and healing is not linear. Things don’t always wrap up into a neat little bow. But I’m okay with that.
I encourage you to please, please, please examine your own views about your bodies and others’ bodies. I hear so many of my friends lamenting their bellies, their thighs, their hips, when all I see are a collection of strong and beautiful people. Don’t let your joy be stolen. Three of my favorite body positivity influencers on Instagram are @mikzazon, @sydneylbell, and @hayleymadiganfitness. They represent a wide range of body types but they all have one thing in common — defying the idea that you have to have zero fat to be fit, and loving yourself just the way you are.
Feel free to comment or email me at info@therhinestone.co if you have questions or want to discuss! Much love to all of the friends and family who see so much in me and love me more than I love myself. I’m working on it.
Love,
Elena “the Rhinestone” ❤
